Flamingos Aren't Just for Bedroom Decor Anymore

My first post on the new blog. I'm so excited. So, for the sake of the occasion, I thought I would let this celebratory mood linger; that is to say, when I was customizing my settings, I went in with some optimism! So what carnal delight does Women's Health suggest for a woman who can brag a bit of flexibility (true story: after drinking most of a bottle of rum I became known as "that girl who can do the splits" at a recent gathering - and mortifyingly, this was not a unique occurrence)?

Ballet Dancer

Get it? Because dancers are flexible! Ah har har har. I do love the densely literal minds at Women's Health. I guess a Black Swan pun would be sinking to their level, but just know that a same-sex/bulimic/psychopathic spin on this position and the myriad of jokes I could make did go through my mind. Share yours, please. And speaking of swans, let's find out how to have sex on one foot.

Standing on one foot, face your guy and wrap your other leg around his waist while he helps support you.

Doesn't that paint a sexy picture for you? I think the swan reference is actually perfect, just so long as you don't imagine yourself gracefully skimming through the water and instead invision those beasts awkwardly squatting on land. Apology to swan enthusiasts - I was attacked as a child, and the ill-will runs deep. 

Ok ok, let me set the most obvious love-making scene that comes rushing to mind with this position: you've dimmed the lights and put on some mood music. You bat and peer up through voluminous lashes, giving your most sultry bedroom eyes. Stand up and shed your silk robe/nightgown/oversized Yankees T. Curl a finger, beckoning to your man. It's. On. Now stand on one foot. That's the sign! He shall rush to your side to "support you" and love-making shall commence. 

How sexy and romantic. Man, wish I was gettin' some these days because this seems like all kinds of appealing. Or, alternatively, if we shall shatter my illusion, like the sex you have in a public washrooms/alleyways/Milestone's. Whichever.

Ok, so lest lying space is scarce (coughbathroomstallcough), why would you want to stagger around like a drunken pirate with one limber leg?

Allows for quality face time and connecting.

Oh. So... the exact same benefits as basic missionary? Ok. Just checking. Same benefits as missionary, but with the added bonus of no leverage and the endorphin rush from that constant risk of falling. Ok, ok - that's not the real bonus...

If you’re a Flexi Lexie, try putting the raised leg on his shoulder for even deeper penetration.

You're flexible? Then you're a Flexie Lexie. Because we're all the same!Much better than being being a Stiff Tiff or an Inflexible Hexadecimal. Ok, so that may just be the name of a villain from Reboot, but it's catchy, right? Let's neglect the fact that flexibility manifests itself in different ways, and that being flexible does not make you able to balance worth a damn. I would still like to know why we are standing. This can be done on one's back with far less risk of injury. And also, how awkward is the prep talk to warm up into this? "Hey sexy, help me stretch my hammys?" That's my go to pick-up line (see earlier rum/splits story - and it totally worked, fyi). 

I just imagine some ambitious young woman thinking "I want to blow his mind with this sexy feat of flexibility" and then realizing mid leg-lift "oh wait...maybe I'm not that flexib - falling! Falling!"

A bruised tailbone is no laughing matter kids. Play safe.