So Many Watercolours, So Few Ideas

I know, I know. I create this hot (emphasis: HOT) new website, and then fail to post. Ever. This blog's creation coincided with a move back in with my parents. Sufficed to say I haven't been feelin' particularly sexy lately? No? Well how about this; I started writing this post last month, when my brother walked in, looked at my screen, cocked a judgmental eyebrow, and walked away without comment. So I've been slow to bounce back - you have no idea just how judgmental those eyebrows can be. So, apologies. And now, without further ado...


As I avidly dissect the sexual suggestions of Women's Health, it becomes increasingly obvious to me that they just love watercolours. That is the only conclusion I can come to because, as I have exhibited before, and as will become evident in the very immediate future, they really have had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to justify the inclusion of some of these positions. I imagine an overly-romantic, possibly menopausal (just sayin'), overseer staring longingly at a board full of sexual illustrations, insisting, despite protest from sex-experts (who I refuse to call sexperts) and staff writers, that all, all of them, must make the pages, or at the very least the webpages, of Women's Health. People must know the beauty of sex. By staring upon lovingly painted carnal encounters. Which would explain why it was necessary to bring us...

Cowgirl's Helper

Before delving into the inanities of this particular pose, a quick aside about "cowgirl" poses. And how they bother me. Again, not the positions themselves - they are rather bomb - but the naming. Maybe men just like to imagine they're hung like a horse, but I don't see the need to associate a woman-on-top with horsemanship. If you ride a horse like this I think you should reconsider your choice of stables. Seriously girl, your sit bones probably hurt and the stable-hands are probably just a touch pervy for not correcting your form. I realize that most sexual positions get their names from their visual similarity to other asexual activities, but I only really take issue because having a woman on top is typically considered rather empowering - we're active participants in the obtaining of orgasm, rather than submissively prone recipients. And for those of you with romanticized visions of the wild west shaped by Garth Brooks' ballads, perhaps women in working-class agriculture do strike you as empowered. But I think I will hold out for a name a little more evocative of the grandeur and validating agency of woman-on-top.

But onto this particular evocation of bareback riding.

You know what it looks a lot like? Standard Cowgirl. And how would I know? Oh because a) They say so themselves - here's how to achieve Cowgirl's Helper:

Similar to the popular Cowgirl position, you kneel on top of him, pushing off his chest and sliding up and down his thighs. But he helps by supporting some of your weight and grabbing your hips or thighs while he rises to meet each thrust.

And b)...

They also provided a guide for Cowgirl. And look at that lazy ass, hands just resting there. He should certainly be supporting some of that weight.

I wont lie, part of me really does appreciate the suggestion that your guy do some work in this position - but I suspect that's mostly because I'm lazy. This suspicion is confirmed, again, by WH writers themselves, who tell their readers that the benefit of this position is that there's...

Less stress on your legs, making climaxing easier. Plus, female-dominant positions delay his climax, so everyone wins.

See. Lazy sex. And I don't really have a male audience I can poll at this moment, but delaying a guy's orgasm doesn't strike me as being a win for him? In fact, I'm pretty sure that's just blue balls and, as my high school boyfriend made clear to me, that's highly unpleasant.

This position also makes me roll my eyes sardonically because it kind of goes without saying. Does WH assume that, once this position has been achieved there is just some slight thursting/gyrating until orgasm, but other than that, no deviation from our basic, pastel silhouette? 

"Hey! Don't you grab my hips - that's Cowgirl's Helper, and that's for next Tuesday!" 

These "two" positions are so similar, it's really just slight variation on one, and those variations should be occuring naturally. If you need a magazine website to tell you that your guy doesn't have to just lay back while you go gettin' yourself off, time to find a new steed I think (and there ends my horrible barnyard puns). I can appreciate that many of these positions would not occur to the average woman, and that the magazine is helping clarify why you love the ones you know. I get it. All I'm saying is that you could make a really sad flipbook out of these two particular watercolours and it would look like one, albeit repetitive, roll in the hay. I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself.

Oh, but before I sign off, you're probably wondering what the bonus of this position is. Brace thyself:


Alternate between shallow and deep thrusting to stimulate different parts of the vagina.

Hmmm...so...there goes female agency...

Until next time, fellow cynics.